Well y'all. This is my 1st blog, 1st post so I guess I'll start from the beginning.
I'm in a relationship...I guess the name gave it away. I love my boyfriend. We have been together almost a year so it's still a new relationship IMO. We're happy...we have problems, we're probably like everyone else.
This is just an outlet and some things just can't be discussed with the S/O. So bear with me...and follow me.
I'll probably talk about our sex life, issues, and all kind of things. All in an attempt to stay sane and gain some understanding of what I have going on here.
A little background about me...
I've dated and had "friends" for the last let's say...8+ years of my life without a serious relationship. Some of that was by choice and some by chance. This is the 1st real relationship I've had in a long time, since the death of my daughter's father.
I can honestly say this is the 1st true effort I've put into a relationship since I lost my daughters father. I met this man after a year of "getting my mind right". The last situation was HORRIBLE. I'm not placing blame, I'm not going into detail. It just was. I just knew I needed a minute to reboot before I tried to deal with anyone else. So when we met it was like...cool, he's nice looking, he's...cool. We can chill.
We started going out and actually dating...which seems to be a lost art. To be honest I didn't see this going anywhere. I made that forbidden mistake of sleeping with him on the 1st date. It had been over a year and it happened...sue me judge me whatever...lol
Anyway apparently he didn't seem to mind or judge me either. So we continued to date and go out and we became exclusive really quickly. Neither one of us were looking for anything but that's exactly what we found.
His friends loved me instantly. That was good...it's hard trying to build something when nobody likes you. So I'm glad that's something I didn't have to deal with. We have a bit of an age difference...not too much. He's only 7 years older than me. I'm 33...he acts like he's 55 though lol. I'm ok with that, it's just different than anything else I've dealt with.
He gets along well with my daughter and that's the most important thing! He's the 1st man I've had around her since her father died and I know this would have to be difficult on her. Surprisingly they've gotten along well from the beginning.
We don't really fuss, every blue moon and it's usually small things. We have so much in common. I guess that's easy for him because I'm into football, cars, auto sound and all that stuff lol.
So all in all we're happy.
Our sex life started out AMAZING. It was good...and often. Of course I expected that to level out. What relationship stays that way forever right? A girl could dream but yeah...it leveled out.
A few months ago I decided to start working out and getting in shape. We've discussed what he likes and all that. I'm not a small girl. I'm not an hourglass. But from what he said he likes...I'm it. But not being satisfied with how you feel about yourself makes you look at things through new eyes. I want to be better for me, my daughter, and for him. I mean who doesn't want to be sexy for their man?!
He seemed ok with it. He wasn't really thrilled IMO but this was more so about me. That lasted a few months and then my car broke and I didn't have a way to get to the gym anymore. So I got lazy...and stopped juicing, dieting and working out. I'm almost back at square one, where I was when we met.
Something else happened once I started working out and gaining energy. We started having problems...you know "problems". It seemed like the more I worked out and felt good about myself, the less and less we had sex. He would talk about getting up and working out but it never happened. I didn't nag or fuss. I had to come to that decision on my own and he will too in time.
So here we are. 25 days until our 1st anniversary. Last night I cried myself to sleep again. Our relationship is still good. I love this man. He treats me so well. I'm sure this is the man I'm going to marry.
So why was I crying?
Well....those "problems". My bf is 40. He's not in the best shape. Some men seem to have sexual problems at younger and younger ages. I think that's what we have going on here. It's now 1-3 times a month. For some that might be okay. For some this may seem backwards. For me...I'm LOSING my mind. I have the higher sex drive...I'd be THRILLED with 3-4 times a week. Not only that, this is really effecting my self esteem. He tells me it's not my fault, he tells me he wants me. But I don't feel any of that. I laid next to my man last night, and "on" my man last night. NO reaction. I asked for it. I was told he wasn't in the mood. That seems to be the answer more often than not.
I know he isn't cheating so that's not where my head is. We literally text all day when we aren't working. We spend a lot of time together. Not everyday, I need my space and so does he. But we're together a lot. He doesn't go out a lot. He never really has. When he does he's texting me the whole time he's out...lol. I think it's cute still.
It just hurts to feel like your partner isn't sexually attracted to you. I don't know much of anything about ED, so I'm reading. A LOT. I want to know what to do, how to help, I just wish there was a google post about how to feel. There isn't.
That brings me here.
We've kinda talked about it but I don't bring it up because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel bad.
When we are "together" usually something goes wrong...we're both left feeling some kinda way. So I try not to ask for it. When I do I usually get the answer I got last night. So I totally know how the old married men feel...rejection is a bitch!
But I love him.
So I guess I'll blog through it.
