Sooooooooooooo

We've moved in together. 

We even opened a joint account. 

It's been 4 months, 5 months. Shit I stopped counting. 

He doesn't try to touch me at all. 

I lay in bed and I told myself that I wouldn't initiate sex again. So it's been this long. 

I lay in bed at night and wish that he'd turn over and touch me. He just goes to bed. He tells me everyday he loves me, he wants me and he wants me to be happy. 

How can you mean all these things and not even wanna touch a person?

I take that back. He does touch me. We hold hands and even hug. He touches my hair and he kisses my forehead sometimes. We kiss goodbye in the mornings and we say we love each other. 

Sometimes we lay down and watch tv together. We'll cuddle and I'll lay in front of him but it doesn't do anything for him. He doesn't "respond" at all. 

We're just roomies that share a bed, I guess 

So yeah......

I know it's been forever....but things aren't much better

It's taken a year for him to get a prescription 

It took me to threaten to leave over and over 

I'm tired of it. 

Now to add insult to injury there's something I really want. 

Plastic surgery. 

Yeah I said it. I've never been comfortable with my body. I wasn't blessed with a big booty and that's always bothered me. 

He doesn't support me in this. As patient as I've been with all this, as much as I've given up?

 

I know it's not something that you hear everyday, that your gf wants plastic surgery but I do. And I need his support in this. It's going to happen. 

Now if I have to do this alone...there won't be an us...

Yep.....things are still bad

I'm not going to reiterate all the problems...if you read this blog then you already know. 

So he went to the doctor FINALLY. But we found out that he had seriously high BP and needs to take medication. 

I should be happy, right?

Well.......(and here's where the selfish me rears her ugly head) the medicine he was prescribed has a few side effects. 

Can you guess what one of them are?!? 

E muthafuckin D 😩😩😩

At this point I want to kill myself. 

Not really but you know what I mean. 

So 2 weeks ago we tried it. It just was a disaster. The foreplay was awkward, he did something mid act that pissed me off, then he caught a "Charlie Horse" which is total bs! I believe he faked that to hide the fact that he was losing his erection. 

Why do I think that?

Because when I tried to get on top he fought against it...telling me his leg hurt too much. 

I'm fresh outta fuckin patience.....and I've been thinking about/fantasizing about past partners. 

Now I'd never do something like that...but it's getting harder and harder. 

I'm at the end of my rope 

So I know that I've been gone a while... 1/27/2014

I'm going to just post some screenshots to sum up how my day has been..... 

Only took a year to get to this point. What made this happen? Let's go back to Sunday morning shall we?

Well even before that...my birthday was recently and guess what? I couldn't even get any. I drank too much and I wasn't feeling well the night of. But the next day when my hangover was over...you'd think? No. 

I sat there on the sofa in a Tshirt.....nothing more. Nothing happened. 

So the next weekend we were out and when we came home I got undressed in front of him...put on a Tshirt and got in bed. In the most haphazard unsensual way...he starts rubbing my stomach. Stomach. The part of my body that he knows I hate the most. He's laying behind me and he's not getting hard...no matter how much I rub and roll on him. 

So I fell asleep. 

The next morning I woke up in a very bad mood...for obvious reasons. On the ride home I start throwing hints at why I was in a mood. Before you know it I just snapped! I'm screaming and cursing and beyond control! 

It took me to react this way before he decides to really take me seriously. 

The worst part of all this? 

The closeness, the intimacy, the connection.....it's all gone 

This makes me sad.

This makes me cry. 

This makes me feel like even if he "fixes this" that I've already checked out physically. 

I've been trying to hold on to what little bit of us that I remember. The part of us that was fun and sexy. The part of us that made me squeal like a 21 year old with stories to tell my friends. 

That part is all gone now...I don't know how to get it back. 

No we're not an old married couple. No we haven't been together for years shacking up.

Our second anniversary isn't until June. 

I'm just tired. 6/13/2013

Not giving up on my relationship but giving up on trying to help.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped. 

I want to help him. I really do...but if he's not ready to make the life changes needed to fix this I can't make him ready. 

I'm trying to fix us (well our problem) But I can't do it alone.

I feel alone in this. 

So yeah.....6/9/2013

It seems when things are moving in the right direction....

So the bf actually did some things to kinda show me he's trying to find a solution to our "problem". He got a notebook to keep an exercise journal, some supplements...yeah but what bought this on? 

The other night I went over to see him and we were laying down watching the game. Like a good gf I didn't bug him during the game. Hey I'll watch but I'm more of a football fan myself. 

After it was over...in a round about way I asked for head. Yes, MOST women LOVE head JUST as much as men do. 

I was told no, baby I'm not in the mood. 

Because of our ongoing issue he's NEVER in the mood. 

I cried. He tried to reassure me that he does still want me. Pretty hard to believe that when all my advances are always rejected. 

So yeah, that was last week. 

Last night we were out with friends. I'm playing footsie under the table and he's responding. But none of his friends want to leave...so he's not catching the hint. 

After another hour and more cigarette smoke my head starts to hurt. BAD. At this point I'm ready to leave but I don't wanna be the party pooper so I offer to just go sleep in his truck. 

About an hour later he comes out to bring me home. I REALLY wanted to be with him yesterday. 

I. NEEDED. IT. 

But yeah...between the smoke and my head and no one wanting to leave. That didn't happen. 

Ok so I get up this morning. 

Head still hurting a little but I popped some Tylenol and get up to move around and find food. 

After I've eaten I give my baby a call. I know we're supposed to meet up with the same friends to finish celebrating the bday. I asked a question..."I know you're getting together for the week...but do you think we have time to "see" each other today? I know we're still going by ______". Ummmmmm yeah...I guess we can see each other later. I don't know if I'm going but I have a lot to do and I have to get myself together for the week...his voice was so unenthusiastic it was a shame. 

I told him that wow...I thought you know since it's been a while you'd be a lil more excited about it. 

My mistake. 

He's assuring me again that he wants me...he wants to "see" me...all while not showing an ounce of interest in me telling him I wanna fuck him.

I'm now sitting in my truck crying. 

This hurts...

Where to begin.... 6/5/2013

Well y'all. This is my 1st blog, 1st post so I guess I'll start from the beginning. 

I'm in a relationship...I guess the name gave it away. I love my boyfriend. We have been together almost a year so it's still a new relationship IMO. We're happy...we have problems, we're probably like everyone else. 

This is just an outlet and some things just can't be discussed with the S/O. So bear with me...and follow me. 

I'll probably talk about our sex life, issues, and all kind of things. All in an attempt to stay sane and gain some understanding of what I have going on here. 

A little background about me...

I've dated and had "friends" for the last let's say...8+ years of my life without a serious relationship. Some of that was by choice and some by chance. This is the 1st real relationship I've had in a long time, since the death of my daughter's father. 

I can honestly say this is the 1st true effort I've put into a relationship since I lost my daughters father. I met this man after a year of "getting my mind right". The last situation was HORRIBLE. I'm not placing blame, I'm not going into detail. It just was. I just knew I needed a minute to reboot before I tried to deal with anyone else. So when we met it was like...cool, he's nice looking, he's...cool. We can chill. 

We started going out and actually dating...which seems to be a lost art. To be honest I didn't see this going anywhere. I made that forbidden mistake of sleeping with him on the 1st date. It had been over a year and it happened...sue me judge me whatever...lol 

Anyway apparently he didn't seem to mind or judge me either. So we continued to date and go out and we became exclusive really quickly. Neither one of us were looking for anything but that's exactly what we found. 

His friends loved me instantly. That was good...it's hard trying to build something when nobody likes you. So I'm glad that's something I didn't have to deal with. We have a bit of an age difference...not too much. He's only 7 years older than me. I'm 33...he acts like he's 55 though lol. I'm ok with that, it's just different than anything else I've dealt with.

He gets along well with my daughter and that's the most important thing! He's the 1st man I've had around her since her father died and I know this would have to be difficult on her. Surprisingly they've gotten along well from the beginning. 

We don't really fuss, every blue moon and it's usually small things. We have so much in common. I guess that's easy for him because I'm into football, cars, auto sound and all that stuff lol. 

So all in all we're happy. 

Our sex life started out AMAZING. It was good...and often. Of course I expected that to level out. What relationship stays that way forever right? A girl could dream but yeah...it leveled out. 

A few months ago I decided to start working out and getting in shape. We've discussed what he likes and all that. I'm not a small girl. I'm not an hourglass. But from what he said he likes...I'm it. But not being satisfied with how you feel about yourself makes you look at things through new eyes. I want to be better for me, my daughter, and for him. I mean who doesn't want to be sexy for their man?! 

He seemed ok with it. He wasn't really thrilled IMO but this was more so about me. That lasted a few months and then my car broke and I didn't have a way to get to the gym anymore. So I got lazy...and stopped juicing, dieting and working out.  I'm almost back at square one, where I was when we met. 

Something else happened once I started working out and gaining energy. We started having problems...you know "problems". It seemed like the more I worked out and felt good about myself, the less and less we had sex. He would talk about getting up and working out but it never happened. I didn't nag or fuss. I had to come to that decision on my own and he will too in time. 

So here we are. 25 days until our 1st anniversary. Last night I cried myself to sleep again. Our relationship is still good. I love this man. He treats me so well. I'm sure this is the man I'm going to marry. 

So why was I crying? 

Well....those "problems". My bf is 40. He's not in the best shape. Some men seem to have sexual problems at younger and younger ages. I think that's what we have going on here. It's now 1-3 times a month. For some that might be okay. For some this may seem backwards. For me...I'm LOSING my mind. I have the higher sex drive...I'd be THRILLED with 3-4 times a week. Not only that, this is really effecting my self esteem. He tells me it's not my fault, he tells me he wants me. But I don't feel any of that. I laid next to my man last night, and "on" my man last night. NO reaction. I asked for it. I was told he wasn't in the mood. That seems to be the answer more often than not. 

I know he isn't cheating so that's not where my head is. We literally text all day when we aren't working. We spend a lot of time together. Not everyday, I need my space and so does he. But we're together a lot. He doesn't go out a lot. He never really has. When he does he's texting me the whole time he's out...lol. I think it's cute still. 

It just hurts to feel like your partner isn't sexually attracted to you. I don't know much of anything about ED, so I'm reading. A LOT. I want to know what to do, how to help, I just wish there was a google post about how to feel. There isn't. 

That brings me here. 

We've kinda talked about it but I don't bring it up because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel bad. 

When we are "together" usually something goes wrong...we're both left feeling some kinda way. So I try not to ask for it. When I do I usually get the answer I got last night. So I totally know how the old married men feel...rejection is a bitch! 

But I love him.

So I guess I'll blog through it.